I am constantly told that I was emotional and dramatic as a child/teenage (10-15 years old). Perhaps my tear ducts have dried up over twelve years to a point that now, I am exhausted with any situation that requires emotional involvement. Someone tease about being obese and I’ll be the one questioning how my presence affect them and if the reason is valid, I will apologise and if they get embarrassed over their immaturity, case closed.
By being emotionally unavailable, when do I really feel alive? These complex spectrum of internal monologues are different from being suicidal or depressed, it’s a stage of being stumped or lost unsure of where to go next and whether the next stage of life will make us happy or will the next phase be meaningful in our life. It has been miserable being a working adult, earning money that I spent to live but at the same time, questioning the meaning of life hypothetically is not acceptable in society.
The only joy or excitement that I have is walking down the aisle of an aircraft leading somewhere new or eating something new or discovering new interesting experiences. Why something new? Because I get bored easily and the world is huge and diverse with different ethnic and cultures and to see what the world has to offer is luxury.
Some said this lack of emotions or motivation in life in general is due to my weight. How the excess weight is beyond dragging me down (gravity) and burdening my shoulders philosophically. For many individuals growing up overweight or constantly being compared to, the need to mentally protect themselves from criticism and manage their internal shame became a habitual act of self-defence.
In the long run of developing a true self, the psychological protection included destructive behaviors as forms of punishment. It has been said that a false persona may have developed focused on pleasing the needs of others as a way of distancing oneself from being true to painful feelings in reality. So will losing weight resolve these emotional and psychological concerns?
I am afraid not and working on these emotions will make the journey a little more bearable because you will understand why these thoughts infiltrate your mind.
There are many factors that may emotionally alters you while on the fitness journey. However I was able to relate and narrowed it to two different emotions – guilt and regret.
Like fear of not meeting society’s expectation, guilt has its own goal. It’s a corrector, a moral compass to my life. When I feel guilty, I regret the mistakes I made and it makes me want to correct them. Guilt may be useful because it causes self-reflection but personally I feel that guilt is a very evil and scary emotion because it is powerful enough to proceed on with drastic actions. I quit a good paying job and lost a bonus of 12k because I was guilt ridden to a point where I was not sleeping. It can make me imagine things that aren’t really there. In life, this means having a constant fear that I am always disappointing my family, or that I am not living up to expectations.
Guilt can also lead to codependency, which is a toxic relationship pattern that stops you from creating healthy boundaries in your relationship.
I have not been the best at this, so hearing this advice may not necessarily be genuine coming from me. Remind yourself that “imaginary guilt” is just that—it’s made up from your mind. (My mind is powerful and this imaginary guilt will make me sick and vomit) Before you start dwelling out of guilt, check-in with a friend, asking if your emotions are real? Validations by a third party will prevent yourself from jumping to conclusions?
Often when you try to reverse the situation like putting yourself into the shoes of the other party, would you actually feel upset?
For someone who lives in the past, they often recite “if only”, the two dangerous words that can indulge them by being blind to the current reality and brings over to the past – hindering you from living your life in the moment.
In every interaction, here are the most common scenarios that happen when you have regret as emotional baggage:
- You idealize a past relationship hence you are unable to connect emotionally to anyone else.
- You stay in a current job because you are afraid you will regret leaving it, even when it has become toxic.
- You’ve regretted choosing friendship over a major life decision, so you become afraid of commitment (staying with friends instead of choosing your favourite module).
Whiplash ahead as the only way to deal with regret is to acknowledge that you can never undo the past. Dwelling on what could have been is time lost for you to start living your life now.
So what’s next for me?
It has been almost one week since I stopped working out. I do also noticed that I have been stingy with my thoughts despite posting stuff online. It is not about being irresponsible but I truly feel exhausted with the minor changes in my life that affect me greatly. I am hoping that processing it out via literacy helps me manifest positivity for me to get back on track in my life. Cheers!